Off-Ramps for a Country on the Edge

A year ago, political violence came to Utah in the most heartbreaking way imaginable. 

Charlie Kirk’s assassination was a horrific reminder of where contempt can lead when we begin seeing political opponents not as fellow Americans, but as enemies. But the deeper problem is one we encounter every day: the growing habit of assuming the worst about people who see the world differently than we do. 

For years, America has been driving toward a cliff. We desperately need some off-ramps. The good news is they are everywhere. 

An off-ramp is simply a choice to interrupt the spiral. To choose curiosity over contempt. Forgiveness over retaliation. A conversation instead of another argument. It is deciding, at the moment when every instinct tells you to punch back, not to. 

That matters because we have become remarkably bad at understanding one another. 

Research has repeatedly shown that Republicans and Democrats hold wildly inaccurate views of each other. We exaggerate how extreme, wealthy, irreligious, intolerant or immoral the other side is. We increasingly disagree not with who our political opponents actually are, but with who we imagine them to be. 

That perception gap has consequences. Threats against public officials have increased, and an alarming number of Americans now say political violence can sometimes be justified. We cannot accept that as normal. 

One of my favorite off-ramps is also one of the simplest. I call it the magic request: “Tell me more about why you feel that way.” 

Nine words. Instead of immediately explaining why someone is wrong, ask them to explain themselves. Be genuinely curious. 

I have watched this change conversations again and again. It slows things down. It reminds both people that there is a human being on the other side. And when you understand why someone believes what they believe, you will often discover that you have more in common than you thought. 

It doesn’t mean pretending differences don’t matter. They do. We should argue vigorously about ideas. Democracy requires disagreement. 

But democracy cannot survive contempt. 

This fall’s elections give all of us another opportunity to choose an off-ramp. Candidates can fight hard for what they believe without demonizing those who disagree. Voters can reward that behavior rather than demanding ever more outrage. And each of us can refuse to treat the other half of the country as something to defeat, humiliate or destroy. 

None of this is new. In many ways, it is among the oldest American ideas. 

Ronald Reagan famously warned that freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. I have quoted that line many times, but I understand it differently today. Our institutions matter enormously, but ultimately the American experiment also depends on millions of ordinary people choosing, day after day, to live with people who think differently than they do. 

And sometimes the most powerful examples come in the worst moments. 

At Charlie Kirk’s funeral, Erika Kirk stood before a grieving nation and forgave the man who murdered her husband. In a moment when anger and vengeance would have been completely understandable, she chose something harder. 

She chose an off-ramp. 

Most of us will never face a choice remotely that difficult. But every day, in much smaller ways, we face the same basic question. Do we keep feeding the spiral? Or do we choose another way? I believe we still can. 

Spencer Cox is Utah’s 18th governor and the author of Off Ramp: How to Be a Peacemaker in an Age of Contempt. He served as chairman of the National Governors Association from 2023–2024.